Snape and the mirror of stupidity
by The Emerald Oinker
Summary: [complete] I was a bit depressed when I put this up originally so sorry for the negative comments from me. Twas to be a Snape and Lily romance but this is probably the wierdest brain-fart I've ever had! It's quick and crazy and 'slightly' rude! ::grins::
1. Part 1

**DISCLAIMER:-** All names and characters are copyright of JK Rowling yadda yadda yadda you get the idea I'm only f**king around with these characters for my own amusement haha….

Snape and Lily Evans

Part One

_Ahem…._

It was a fine midsummer's evening,

_No, that sounds stupid…hmmm….._

Snape woke up with his head pounding; the dream again. Every night he saw her naked body beside him as he caressed her and then he woke up to find himself lying alone and still fully clothed with no dreamy red head softly whispering naughty things into his ear.  Damn, and it was still the same size.  Bugger.

Severus Snape got out of bed and went to the mirror hung on the wall; he began to shave himself as he did so every morning because he didn't like the idea of having a beard: it made him look and feel old and he wanted to stay fresh and young all the time because Severus fancied that eventually someone will want his body and then he could show off how youthful he was to this special someone with a clean shaven chin.

He dressed in the finest of black robes, picked up the brush by the mirror, looked at it, decided to leave it this morning and threw it over his shoulder and walked out.

There was an awful noise and before turning around he already knew what had happened.  He threw the brush a little too hard and it had cracked the mirror, jagged lines reaching from the centre outwards like a starfish.

Damn.

Damn, damn and blast.

He went back to it and looked at his distorted reflections and then peered closer at one of them.  It certainly wasn't his!

_"Severus Snape you bug-eyed little git, get me outta here and stop gawpin' at me you perverted ratbag!"_

He jumped back.

"L-Lily?"

"Yes Lily! Now get me out of this stupid mirror, I've been trapped in here for years, and yes I do know what you do every night thank you very much I'd rather not see it anymore thank you, awfully the wrong shape entirely."

His head swung down shamefully and he stuttered.

"B-but how can you be in t-there?  Why haven't y-you talked to me before?"

_"Because the damn mirror's cracked you idiot! The cracks allow my voice to travel through into the world so that you can hear me!"_ Lily's flickering face kept sweeping into other positions like a flipbook and as she went on Snape felt more and more bashful as if he was back at school again in Lily's presence.  Well there she was, clearly, but her whole attitude had changed completely from how he remembered her.  Suddenly she spun round and called out a name Snape didn't like to hear even to this day.

_"James! Get your butt over here, this may be our chance to get out of this damn thing!"_ The figure of James came forward to stand next to Lily, he looked just as mean and snappy as her; they had changed.

_"Of course we have Snape,"_ Jame's reflection said with a low growl. _"How d'you think you'd behave after being trapped in here for sixteen years?"_

"You can read my mind?"

_"Yes, you look at the mirror every morning and we have to watch you shave and pull faces at yourself for your own enjoyment, God knows what horrors we've seen."_ That was James speaking, shuddering and turning away.

He couldn't think right now.  This was too weird.  Snape just shook his head and laughed.

"Screw you guys, I'm going off to work." And he left the room, with James and Lily screaming abuse at him through their glass prison.

(Green Pig:- yes I decided to get rid of that horrible underscore on my pen name, but anywayz, this has only one more part to go and I wasn't really trying at all to get a good or even sane story out of this.  Hey I seem to write more insane Snape fics than serious ones haha.  Enjoy this? Well I'll put part 2 up at the same time as this cuz I can't be bothered to waste time expecting reviews to come in.)


	2. Part 2

(Green Pig:- Last part, sorry I rushed this so much in about ten seconds from beginning to end weeeeheheheh. I think I'm going mad but who cares anyway no one reviews any of my stories that I spend all my time on thinking up great plots and strange new ideas so I may as well just dish out a load of trollop because nobody cares.  I didn't even spell-check any of this……geez.)

**DISCLAIMER:-** Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling who I am not trying to offend by writing this rubbish, I'm merely having a laugh with myself and my very few friends and even fewer reviewers.

Part Two

Snape came into his office after a hard day's work teaching the rotten children with all their rotten little faces and smelly feet.

He stretched luxuriantly spreading his arms up above him and yawned shakily.  Then he saw the broken mirror and remembered who had spoken to him that morning.  As if he was about the feed his pet fish and peer into the glass watching them go about their normal fishy lives he looked into the mirror and smiled, showing all his yellow teeth clearly to James and Lily who were indeed still in there fuming at him the moment he came into the room.

"Sod off Snape unless you're going to get Dumbledore and help us out." The little reflection of James snapped looking up from the floor.

"Nah." Snape held up his hand with his wand pointing straight at the glass.

"What are you doing Snape?" Lily asked fearfully.

"Repairing the mirror; should've done that this morning."

_"NO!"_ The two reflections screamed for mercy rushing to the edge of the glass but Snape muttered the spell without a second thought and repaired the cracks so that he could no longer see in or hear their tiny little voices ever again.

"Slimy sod.  Look at the way he's smirking at us!" Lily cried gesturing rudely at Snape who could no longer see them, walk away from the mirror and undress for bed.

"Honestly, doesn't he even care that we can see him do all that?" James hissed turning his head away.

"I've had enough of this! SIXTEEN BLOODY AWFUL YEARS IN THIS GLASS PRISON WITH NO MEANS OF ENTERTAINMENT EXCEPT FOR WATCHING HIS UGLY SMELLY DUNGEON OFFICE ALL DAY AND NIGHT WITH HIM WALKING AROUND SCRATCHING HIS BALLS!!!!!!"

"Lily…"

"AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BLOODY COMPANY TOO YOU AWFUL MAN!! LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT TO SEE MY HARRY! I WANT TO LIVE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AGAIN!!!!"  She threw her fists against the glass and banged hard on it trying to catch Snape's attention to no avail.

Snape lay down in his bed and turned the light off, then fell asleep.  James and lily were tired too so they curled up on their bed of…….dust and slept aswell.

The next day Snape awoke and shaved as he normally did, patted down his greasy hair because there was never any point in combing it and dressed in his sexy black robes as usual just in case any unexpected lady visitors arrived and needed to be shown around the school, including all secret corridors and rooms.

It was a sad reason but he stuck with it because he just couldn't think of any other reason and performed a few test-sneers and test-shouting-to-little-Neville-Longbottom-lookalikes.  James and Lily woke up and were watching him; it was their only form of television and they both looked as depressed as children forced to watch the queen's speech on Christmas day when they could be opening more presents.

Snape spun fast so that his robes fanned out and delighted in the knowledge that he made the older seventh year girls swoon when he swept past them.  Shame that he couldn't do anything with them, being as he was a teacher, but some of them were very attractive.

Damn.  Oh well.  Then he suddenly remembered about Lily and James yesterday in the mirror.  Well he couldn't let them out could he? They might tell everyone what a vile man he was.

Snape walked over to the mirror and smashed it with a spell. Down there were the two reflections of Lily and James glaring up at him.

"Hmm, this mirror's a bit old.  I think I'll have to throw it out." He said as if he hadn't even known they were there at all.  He took the mirror off of the wall with Lily and James screaming in outrage at his idea that they'd be put out on the garbage heap, but on second thought Snape decided to just smash the thing up and have done with it.

It was a satisfying smash he felt, except that his glee didn't last long when suddenly the room was filled with blazing white light that seemed to reflect off every wall showing his surprised face.

Lily and James stood up from the remains of the mirror and cheered.

"Yippeeeeeeee!"

"Fantastic!"

"All he needed to do was completely smash the mirror and we were set free!"  Snape's eyesight focussed back in and when he saw the two in normal adult size he yelped and leapt back behind his bed.

_"Snape you slimy sod get your arse out here now!"_ Lily ran and jumped, fallen on top of the man and kicked him in the genitals causing James to 'whoop' in agreement and Snape to whimper in pain.

"Let's go see Harry dear."

"Yes okay, and on the way we'll tell Dumbledore and anyone else we meet just how much of a poof this stupid idiot is.  Honestly, that is one guy who needs a f**k." And they left the room hand in hand, skipping along like Dorothy and the Scarecrow singing: 'we're off to see the wizard!'

Snape's reputation was ruined forever.  McGonagall kicked his butt and sent him away to live at the bottom of the lake with the fishies.

THE BLOODY END


End file.
